I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
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