my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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