He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
