guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Randomize
