we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
21 Embarrassing Stories From Adults Who’ve Crapped Their Pants
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
21 People Confess What It’s Really Like At An Orgy
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.