why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
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It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
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I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo