when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY