I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
