i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Randomize
