If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
