Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
