Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
