R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
