I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
