you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
