for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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