A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I haven't been this sober since birth.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
