my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
