OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
