i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
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My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
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As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!