I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?