I can text with my tongue
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
