Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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