im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
