Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
