weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
