my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
