We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
