Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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