I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Randomize
