Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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