I accidentally had phone sex last night
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Swine flu is the new snow day.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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