Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
