Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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