Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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