One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
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