dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Randomize
