I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
