Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Randomize
