we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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