So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
