either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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