Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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