Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
