Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
The struggles of a small town man whore
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Randomize
