You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
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