Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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