Moan for me like Helen Keller
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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