just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
