my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
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