Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
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