Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
