I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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