well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
