Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
