My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Randomize
