I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
