I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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