Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
